Many parents know that they should talk to their children about sex and pornography, yet they still hesitate. That is understandable. These conversations touch our own stories, our own discomfort and often our own shame. Below I list a few reasons, what are yours?
One of the main reasons is that many of us were never properly guided in this area as children. Some of us may have been given a book. Others may have had one big conversation that was over quickly, almost like a ‘hit and run’ approach. Many of us simply never had an example of what regular, calm and open conversations about this topic could look like.
Another reason is that we do not know what to say or how to say it. We feel that we lack knowledge, words and confidence. We are afraid of saying too much, too little or the wrong thing. That is exactly why preparation for parents is so important. When a parent is equipped, the conversations become less intimidating.
Our own sexual sin and shame can also hold us back. We may know very clearly what we want for our children, but feel hypocritical because we ourselves have failed or been hurt in certain ways. In my notes I name this as part of the enemy’s plan: shame keeps you from sharing God’s story with your child. But I believe God can still use your story. Not everything needs to be shared with a child immediately or in full. There is a right phase and a right time to speak about your own history, but shame does not have to silence you.
Personal challenges can make these conversations even harder. Adoption, divorce, death, trauma, absent parents or disability can make a parent feel that the ideal picture does not fit their family’s reality. That is painful. It takes more courage to tell God’s story while acknowledging that your own family picture looks different or has been broken. Yet that does not mean the conversation should be avoided. Your child will still pick up pieces of the puzzle and build a story. It is better for you to help bring hope, truth and a vision for the future into that story.
Some parents hesitate because they want to protect their children. They think being conservative means staying silent and speaking as late as possible, while being liberal means saying everything without values. But there is another way. Speaking the truth early, beautifully and in an age-appropriate way is part of protection. It does not have to compromise a child’s innocence, and it does not allow parents to avoid their responsibility.
Finally, we are often simply uncomfortable. But as I often quote: the discomfort belongs to the parent. It will be far more uncomfortable if we remain silent now and later have to respond to something our children were never prepared for.
The goal is not for parents to be perfect. The goal is for us to simply begin.
That is one major reason why I wrote "Let's chat". It guides not only the child, but also the parent to have these building block conversations - almost without even realising you are doing it. The special time of bonding and talking is so scarce and needed that these converstations not only transfers knowledge and facts, but also cultivates an open relationship between parent and child.
Speaking for my own children - just knowing we will be doing a conversational from "Let's chat" is the cause of much excitement and joy! It is a highlight of their day. And then I realise, I've not only overcome all the barriers of talking to my children about sex, but have turned it in to the most precious gift!